Vol. 2, No. 4: Malice at the Ice Palace photo

A Former High School Basketball Player Scouts ThemselvesChristine Salek

Name: Christine Salek
Class: 2008 (high school), 2012 (college), 2024 (master’s in library science)
Height: If Allie Quigley was a post
Weight: In a post matchup with Allie Quigley, would have the obvious size advantage
Position: Right under the basket at all times
Medical History: Has watched Grey’s Anatomy since the beginning

Once stayed after practice with friends from the team until everyone had made at least one half-court shot. Does not attempt anything beyond the arc in game.

Student of the Canyon and Rick Barry School of Underhand Excellence.

“Weak hand” and “strong hand” indistinguishable from one another.

Can dribble without looking down at hands at least two times in a row. A regular Chelsea Gray.

However, after watching Monika Czinano develop at Iowa, convinced not dribbling may actually be the answer.

Creates separation physically and mentally.

Knows when to pass. Often ignores a good shot to give the ball to a teammate, who becomes audibly frustrated they didn’t shoot. Quick to point out the pass was on point and that a turnover would have been worse.

Overheard saying, “If they score, they score. That’s not my problem.”

Height alone means they are typically closer to the rim than most average-sized people. 100% incidental rebound percentage.

Strong denial, projection, sublimation. Only the latter seems to positively affect basketball performance.

Athletic Ability
Handfuls of first place ribbons from annual elementary school track meet. Would lose to the slowest WNBA player because they are a professional athlete and Christine is not.

Game Play
Excellent court vision. Very aware of when they are on a basketball court and when they are having a panic attack in the fetal position underneath their 25-pound weighted blanket.

Court vision aided by designer prescription glasses. (Contact lenses expired.)

Shows excellent decision-making, including but not limited to their purchase of a 25-pound weighted blanket.

Not only accepts criticism, but internalizes it, lets it fester, and allows it to consume them.

Poor coach ability.

Overall Strengths
Can generally shoot, pass, and dribble a basketball.

Was in therapy as recently as 2021.

Frequently plays injured, signaling toughness.

Knows something is up when basketball players get ahold of a volleyball and reject shooting in favor of setting the ball into the hoop: “Those are different sports.”

Current WNBA Comps

  • Allie Quigley (see above)
  • Chelsea Gray (see above)

Final Comments:

  • Not a good basketball player.
  • Would maybe have a chance in H-O-R-S-E against a player experiencing the yips.
  • (No, they wouldn’t.)